Don't Have Things

An excerpt from my forthcoming best-seller:

The Magical Life-Changingness of Being Tidy Like Me

 

Contents

 

 

Don’t Have Things    9

 

    Why Having Things Is Disgusting and Makes You a Bad Person    10

 

    If You Have Things, For Gosh Sakes Get Rid of Them Now. I’ll Wait Here.    16

 

    What? You Still Have Things? Ew. I Told You To Get Rid of Them.     20

 

    I Am Tapping A Perfect Little Shoe On My Exquisitely Bare Floor.    25

 

    Seriously.   28

 

    Okay Listen, You Revolting Thing-Haver —    31

 

No, I’m All Right. [Deep Breath] Here’s What We’re Going To Do      34

 

    Take Everything You Own And Throw It On The Floor.    36

 

    Yes, Everything. On The Floor.   40

 

    I Am An Advice Professional. You Can Trust Me.    42

 

    Remember, Things Are Bad. Throw The Naughty Things On The Floor.    47

 

    Good! That Felt Good, Didn’t It?    50

 

    Now Crush The Things Beneath Your Heel And Sweep Them Into The Garbage.    52

 

    Go On. I’m Waiting.    55

 

    Yes, Your Grandfather’s Pocket Watch. Why Would You Even Ask That?    58

 

    [Sigh.]    60

 

Oh, So You “Need” Things To “Cook With” And To “Wear”?    64

 

    Fine.    66

 

    Each Thing You Keep Must Pass Through The Purifying Flame Of These Tests:

 

        1) Hold The Thing. Do Sparkles of Light Play Around Your Fingertips?    68

 

        2) Gaze Deeply At It. Does The Air Around You Hum?

            Is There An Answering Vibration From The Depths Of Your Soul?    71

 

        3) Use It. Are You Filled With Utter Contentment And Certainty That The Future

            Holds Unfathomable Joy And Possibility?    75

 

     Did You Answer “Yes” To All Three? Wow. Well, In That Case … Just Kidding; Get Rid Of It.    78

 

    This Process Will Take About 6 Months.    80

 

    Why Are You Crying?    82

 

    Hang On, I Just Thought of Something. You Are A Single Person With No Pets Living In One Room, Right?    85

 

    Well Of Course You Are; Who Isn’t?    86

 

    No?    90

 

    Oooooooh. Well. This Is Gonna Take A Whole Lot Longer Than 6 Months.    92

 

How To Organize What You’ve Kept (You Weak Thing-Keeper)    96

 

    Determine The Spirit Animal Of Each Item Of Clothing.    100

 

    Fold The Item Into An Exact Replica Of That Animal.    106

 

    Put Everything Else In The Adorable Japanese Shoeboxes You Obviously Have Lying Around.    112

 

Never Get Any More Things    114

 

    Warning: Family And Friends May Give You Things Out Of Love.    118

 

    Reject This Love!    120

 

    Don’t Meet Anyone New, Either. New Relationships Bring New Things.    124

 

    Generally Speaking, Avoid People.    127

 

    Do Not Buy Things Yourself. Ever.    130

 

    It’s Probably Safest If You Do Not Leave Your House. Thing-Sellers Are Everywhere.    135

 

    Girl Scout Cookies Are Things. Do Not Answer The Door.    141

 

    Or The Phone.    143

 

    Certainly Do Not Go On The Internet!    146

 

    Don’t Look Out The Window, Either. You Might See Things.    150

 

    Go To The Very Middle of Your Nice, Empty Home. It Is A Protective Shell Around Your Thinglessness.    154

 

    Do You Talk To Your House?    158

 

    You Should.    160

 

    It Is All You Have Now.    164